Thursday, March 11, 2010

Twilight is good.

In lieu of Twilight coming out and all the excitement, I thought I should bring people back to the truth and the light. My name is Reverend Verity and I call you all to repentance. Amen.

Let me start off with this rebuttal. I love movies and I love entertainment. Therefore, I read a lot, I watch a lot of movies, and I (being the hair stylist I am) am constantly catching up on the latest drama of Hollywood. Rebuttal--complete.

Twilight. I devoured the novels. I poured over those books like I didn't need to eat, sleep or bathe. I thought they were good entertainment. Everyone has heard the saying, "On time really means late and early means on time." Well, for this blog we're following the notion that "Good really means pathetic. Fantastic means good. Magnificent means great."

Harry Potter is magnificent. Pearl Harbor is fantastic. Twilight is good.

Because of Harry Potter, I want to have a pet owl. I want to bathe in the prefects bathroom because Moaning Myrtle is the bees knees. I want to snog Ron (Jacob is okay with this!). I want to wear the Cloak of Invisiblity to Professor Snape's class and throw spitwads at him. I want to drink Butterbeer in Hogsmeade and I want to play with Fluffy. Harry Potter is super magnificent because it has such fantastic subplots. J.K. is a brilliant woman and she truly undestood the concept of a real and lasting plot which I can very much appreciate.

Twillight. Dearest, poorest, Twilight. I am sad for the preteens who get their hands on that sad book. "A-ha!" you say to me! But no, my rebuttal is in view. I did read the book and all its sequels. In the few days it took me to read the whole series, I feel like I really was part of the book! Edward taught me many things that I could take to real life.

1. All future boyfriends must stalk me from my bedroom window if they want a chance to snog me.
2. Eating on dates is unacceptable. . . in fact, eating at all is not allowed. (Girls, this diet works! I'm down to 64 pounds!)
3. Sleeping is weird. Try to not do it because it's embarrassing.
4. Ditching school is totally chill. Who cares!
5. If you're not beautiful, meh. You might as well get eaten by the Red Head.
6. All boys are mean, d-bags.

I find it so completely NUTS that preteens are reading this to grow up by! Shoooot. I was reading Shel Silverstein, Eoin Colfer and Sharon Creech! I'm not going to lie, I'm most likely never going to let my daughters read the books.

I can imagine the life of my little baby someday. We'll call this future daughter Purple for the lava in my lamp. One day Purple discovers the Twilight series. I can only imagine her and my after school talks. They'll go something like this:
Future Momma(me):"Purple! How was school!? Did you have any tests?"
Purple:"No mom, but I got a new read at the library!"
FM:"Is it a swell read, doll?"
Purple:"Oh, yes, mother! It's all about a boy who ditches his girlfriend and wants to kill her and thinks she is interesting because she's got nothing on her mind at all times! Isn't that grand?"
FM:"No. . . I'm going to get your father."
And then my beloved Jacob will come and stab her book with the Basilisks fang, spank her, and I'll ground her for reading bad books. I'll win Parent of the Year for sure!

Funny story, when I started reading Twilight, I was in high school and I had a nice boyfriend boy guy that I liked to spend all my time with. He read them with me and every day we would laugh about how sad that wretched, screwed over, little Bella was! But people were clinging to it like it was real! I had girl friends that would D.U.M.P. their boyfriends because he wasn't stalking her enough! I loved those psychos.

Anyway. I've read lots of loser books, but I really appreciate the moral of Twilight's story of being anorexic, being stalked and being ditched is totally normal behavior!

Eating disorders forever!!!


Annie Citrine said...

Yaay! YOU are magnificent! Bahaha I laughed, I cried, lovely.

Jeff and Rachael Downs said...

Ha! May we be bests forever?

Seneca said...

Verity. We have twin souls.

The One Klar said...

I'm so sorry for telling you to read those books...but I am all for your views, my loverly VKAE. Oh my. You speak the words of my soul. Hahahaha. Oi. I wish I had thought of this post first. Haha. I love you with everything. :)

Stephannie said...

I kind of feel like your daughter will be more scarred by the fact that her name is purple than she would be by reading Twilight. :)