January 2021

 We made it through! We didn't get through the year unscathed, but we got through. Seriously, as a year in general, it was really fine. The ending was just so rough that it's easy to forget how sweet it started. 

Some hard things:

I've really wanted more children for years. I hoped 2020 would be the year, and it really hurt my heart that it didn't happen. It's hard to let go of something like that because it was such a righteous desire of mine. In my patriarchal blessing, there's a line that says, "your home will be filled with the laughter of children." I took this to mean my OWN children, and am realizing it can mean my neighbors and friends. It hurts, and some days I'm really mad that what I wanted for so long won't happen. I did fertility treatments, took so many meds, got the most incredibly painful ultrasounds, had interesting procedures and all alone, and all for nothing. I get mad at myself, at Jake, and at God. I'm working on healing, but that's also hard. My word for 2021 is going to be heal. I just want to heal. My faith, some relationships, and a few other things. So heal is a great word

I let go of friendships that didn't serve me in a healthy way. I've been a people pleaser my entire life, and my goal for 2020 was 1. BABY, and 2. Say no. I excelled at one, and not the other. Hahah! Saying no has been such a blessing in my life. 

And some better things:

Looking back, I am thankful for the time I got to spend with Gwen and Emily. I've never had time with them like that. It was constant and sweet. Even the occasional mood explosions (we all have/had them! No shame) was easy to manage. We did so many crafts. We learned so many skills. We hugged and kissed each other all day. I think I'll always look back on those sweet months with love. 

January was a fun month! We started it out with having a visit from Meredith, Tyler, Ridge, Delaney, and Hunter. I want to steal Hunter, but I'm a big fan of the Meredith/Tyler brand of babies, so it makes sense. Shauni was also over on New Year's Eve. We played cards, had fireworks and s'mores. and just laughed. It felt so nice to spend that time together. I miss Meredith all the time, but especially when I'm with her and thinking about how they'll have to leave at some point! 

We went to the zoo and rented these things called "Rydables." They are oversized stuffies with wheels, and powered like an electric scooter. The girls have been begging to ride one, and I kept telling them "next time" and so finally it was THIS time. We got a rough looking red lion. He had seen better days, but we loved him. The girls drove, and Gwen nearly lost me when she revved up and I wasn't holding on or even fully on the seat yet! It's funny now, but it was pretty scary then! Look out for her in a few years when she drives a real car. At the end of our hour with the lion, we headed to return him. Jake or I had thrown away the receipt that showed our return time thinking we wouldn't need it again, and boy did we need it again. The man at returns was determined that we were 10 minutes late and needing to be charged an extra hour. We searched for the receipt to prove we weren't late, but then just looked at our watches. We were LITERALLY there before the time he was saying. It was so strange. I know that probably doesn't make sense to read, but I'll never forget it. Then the guy was like, Okay, I'll let it go this time. . . what!? We showed our watches! We aren't past the time. Anyway. That was weird. 

Meredith, Mom and Dad came down again in January because Morgan was getting married. While they were here, Hunter kept throwing up so we bundled him up and took him to my favorite pediatric urgent care. He's the cutest baby. Why are babies so stressful!?

Emily got a haircut! She decided she wanted to grow it out to be super long, but still wanted bangs, and I think she's the cutest.

Hayden stayed with us for the weekend at the very end of January and we had a great time up in Payson seeing the snow! We got way too much food and I enjoyed it so much. 

Gwen took this picture. I love it. We were semi posed, but really not. hahah!

These prairie dogs are the cutest animals at the zoo. I can't even handle it. We watch them for so long!


I love them!

We all got pedicures!

Hunter! Hes so cute! Even as the throw up king. 


Gwen selfies! ❤

Snowball fight!

Emily and the snowman.

Gwen and the snowman. 

Hayden kept hitting me with snowballs in the neck and arms. I was like, "Join a team, leave me alone!"

Jake put his carrot nose in a more southern region. So funny, so inappropriate. Gwen and Emily were like, "Ugh, not funny!" and moved it back later. 


mce said…
You did it !!!! You did it !!!! i am all for healing, but still hopeful for a 2021 baby !!!! and i couldn't figure out who hayden was, but megan !!!!!!!
Unknown said…
Hun, so sorry about the infertility stuff. I get it, big time. After my hysterectomy, I couldn't be in a room with babies for 4-5 YEARS. It would just hurt, so, so much. It still hurts, but it's different now. The only advice I have is that you need to fully process the grief.

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